Well I guess I'll start here. It was probably over two months ago and I noticed a
swollen lymph node in my
inguinal area. I remember mentioning it to Russell but I just brushed it off saying it will probably go away. But it didn't go away. It stayed hard as a rock and about the size of a round nickle. Normally you shouldn't feel your lymph nodes in that area.
When I got strep throat I went to the urgent care doctor and told him about the lump. He said if it doesn't go away in another week check with your main physician. I was put on antibiotics for the strep throat and about 10 days passed and I decided to go back to the doctor because my sore throat hadn't gone away and the lump was still there. Going I was really just hoping that the lump wasn't going to be anything embarrassing. The doctor took the swollen lymph node seriously. He did a couple of blood test and referred me to an oncologist (cancer specialist). See there are three things that a swollen lymph node can be. It can be an infection, autoimmune disorder, or cancer.
If it was an infection it should have gone away or at least gotten smaller with my antibiotics. If it was an autoimmune disorder it can be anything from HIV to rheumatoid arthritis. So the blood test the doctor took was to look and see if there was any markings that would indicate autoimmune disorder. Then they referred me to an oncologist and scheduled me for a ultrasound guided needle biopsy to find out if it was really cancer. I left the doctors office thinking, "Me,...no, I don't have cancer...pff." I told a select few around me about the situation and I thought about it. I guess Satan can do wonders when you ponder on outcomes. But the facts were in front of me. There are three options: infection, autoimmune disorder, or cancer. Infection could almost be written off automatically because of it not going away and I had already had antibiotics. So that leaves autoimmune disorder or cancer. The realization of it being cancer pressed in my mind more as days went on. I started realizing all the doctors were pointing it to that. They were already sending me to an oncologist.
At the needle biopsy they found 3 more swollen lymph nodes that I couldn't feel. During the needle biopsy I made a comment to the doctor saying that this test would tell me whatever was causing my swollen lymph node. Whether it was infection, or auto immune, or whatever. I specifically left out cancer then watched as the doctor looked increasingly uncomfortable, nodded his head, and left the room. Then I just waited for the test results.
At first people around me would pray that the lump would go away and that the test would all come back negative. I wanted God to be glorified if it was really something big. That means it would have to be proven to the medical field that it was something and that it just simply went away. It would have to come back one of the two big ones and God would have to fix it. I started wondering as time went on whether I was putting God in a box and telling him how to work and that is why He hadn't healed me yet. But I knew how the medical field worked and if there was an excuse they could take they would before they would acknowledge that it was "miraculous healing".
And I have to be honest with you guys. It is weird asking God to do something big inside of me. I am perfectly fine praying for someone else to be healed, no questions asked. God can take cancer away, God can heal broken bones together, He can do anything. But asking Him to do it inside of me was so much more real. If the lump went away that would mean that God came down to little old me. Me, among the zillion of people in the world. Listened to me. He would come down and touch me and take it away. That was something extraordinary, something a lot bigger then I could see in my oridinary life. My faith seems to be so small. I knew God can heal me, it's hard to explain, it just seemed so BIG to be in me.
As time went on Russell and I had to talk about it. In reality, you never know if you are going to get hit by a car and God is going to take you away tomorrow. So we started talking about what would happen if....
The day came for when I would get the blood results back. It was funny as you saw on my blog. I would call and the office would be closed for lunch and I would just forget to call back later. Here is something that I should be on top off but life was still happening and I would just forget. Eventually I did get a hold of the doctor and test was normal. Completely negative for any abnormality! So time ticked on as we waited for the results of the needle biopsy. I didn't let my mind go there. Well if it isn't an infection, or an autoimmune disorder, then....I just didn't go there. I couldn't.
As time went on it turned into more of a waiting game. My prayers seemed to be more like pleadings. I reached a place I don't think I had ever been before. There in my prayer closet I would just plead. God I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to be pregnant again and have another baby. I want to grow old with my husband. I want another chance. Don't take it away so soon. If it was cancer I knew the outcome wouldn't be so good. One thing with cancer is, you don't want it in your lymph system. Your lymph system is like your immune system that goes throughout your whole body. Once it goes there it can spread endlessly and doctors have a hard time trying to kill it.
It tormented me thinking that God already knew and yet I couldn't wrap my mind around any one answer. There were too many emotions between me and hearing from God. But He knew what it was, he was watching me as I waited and the rest of the world to figure it out.
There were times when life just went on, but at least once a day I would check and yep the lump was still there. I had people praying for me. And as day after day passed I got a little more desperate. I didn't care how God did it. I just wanted Him to fix it. Take it away. But it stayed, no it is the same size, not getting any smaller or any larger.
Finally the day has come for the results of the biopsy. I bugged the doctors office so many times even though I was having a distracted, busy day. That day I couldn't get the results out of my head. I finally got the doctor on the phone and he said, "Well, you lucked out. The test was negative for any tumor. They just found inflammation." I was so overcome with joy. I finally exhaled I think all day. Maybe the last 7 days it took to get the results for the biopsy. Or maybe the week and a half it took to schedule the biopsy. The lump is still there and right now it is probably documented in my chart that it is ruled out to be a local infection. I am to go back in a month to see the doctor again. But thank you Jesus! I am so happy. God is such a wonderous, awesome God.
Jesus I think took me through a test and I did horrible. In retrospect I let Satan into my thoughts and torment me about all the options. But the worse thing is I just smiled when I heard the results. I could have acknowledged God when the doctor told me the results, but I didn't. I was too overcome with the answer, to happy and in my own head. I'm a little scared, because I have been on that end. The end of the medical perspective; where everything is black and white. There is no miraculous healing. I've seen christians come and pray as there loved one slips out of their grasps and my heart is torn. But in the end I have to give them report that there is no hope from a medical perspective. It is my job to reassure them that. But here the doctor is able to refer to luck. He is able to talk about something that in some things is just as extraordinary as the work of God. But God is so much more real. I took the test and I failed.
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